Testing
by Asteroth6
Summary: GLADOS runs a special test on a special date.


"Please begin the test. Note that failure to navigate the Hydrochloric acid safely may result in infertility, loss of circulation, hypercirculation, dismemberment, or death. Inhalation of fumes may also result in any of the preceding symptoms. Failure to breathe during the course of testing may result in unconsciousness or death as well. Thank you in advance for your cooperation."

Chell just gave GLaDOS her best "Really? Are we actually doing this?" look. That was one perk to cohabitating with the psychotic computer; she was so good at interpreting human expressions she could easily maintain a coherent conversation with Chell. Nobody else (nobody human at least) could possibly be a meaningful companion.

"My protocols mandate that I warn you non-cooperative test subjects may be incentivized through electroshock, withdraw of food rations, or humiliating group therapy sessions involving divulging personal information to judgemental strangers."

Chell just rolled her eyes. Clearly the AI was in a mood. She had just gotten out of her sleeping pod, rounded a corner outside her room, and was met with this. It wasn't the first time GLaDOS had done this (obviously), but Chell hoped to see the last.

Fitting her portal gun comfortably into place Chell examined the puzzle. It seemed to be nothing special: a basic room with the floor replaced by an acid pool. At first glance it looked like with the arrangement of the walls and ceiling she would only need to use about two sets of portals.

Firing the first shot though resulted in a surprise. Her portal reflected to the exact opposite side of the room; a completely useless location.

"Aperture Industries would like to congratulate you for being the first human test subject for our new 'Diaphanous Energy Reflection Gel". I am however permitted to mention that the previous test subjects included four hamsters, one chimpanzee, two dogs, and one sessile bivalve. All of which completed the test in less time than you have already taken."

Chell just shook her head. This was clearly going to be a long one.

After navigating the acid chamber-and a few basic laser puzzles-Chell emerged into what looked to be the last chamber.

Or at least it was nothing but an empty square room with a pedestal at the back. It looked like there was probably a button on the pedestal, but she could not really make it out. Either way she slowly stepped forward.

*Bang!*

A loud series of shots rang out in rapid succession. Chell barely pulled her foot back before it would have been ripped to shreds.

"We highly suggest that you display caution around Aperture's extremely reliable Pressure Sensitive Reactivity Plates."

Really? Turrets? It had been a while. Now slightly frightened Chell closely examined the floor and stepped cautiously between the plates. Eventually reaching the back of the room intact.

A closer look at the pedestal though only revealed a tiny square box.

"Please conclude this successful testing session by claiming the Weighted Companionship Circuit."

What? Deeply confused Chell opened the tiny box.

It was a ring.

A platinum ring ornamented with diamonds spaced around the entire outer surface. Only more confused Chell slipped it onto her finger. But shot the computer a questioning glare.

"It is the second year since you reawakened. My database contained over 12 billion articles of data suggesting you would be aware of a ritual called 'Anniversary'. Of course this may have required a significant overestimation of you cognitive reasoning abilities."

Chell's glare turned variously shocked, amused, and insulted.

"My first impulse was a potato, in celebration of your failure to kill me at the hands of beaked demons. But ultimately, surrendering to safety measures no longer authorizing you to handle roots, tubers, or bulbs of any variety, I settled on this 'Anniversary Ring'. Obviously reinvented into a far superior product. I assume you have an equally significant reciprocal gift?"

Chell just smiled and shook her head. Only GLaDOS could possibly think to invent a new series of death traps and run her through them in order to give her an anniversary gift. She did admittedly feel slightly guilty about having nothing to give in return, but obviously anything here belonged to the insane AI anyway, and she had absolutely no way to tell time in order to prepare a gift anyway. Facts that GLaDOS obviously was well aware of.

"Obviously, I had already calculated a 99.99999957967% chance you would lack the emotional maturity and cognitive reasoning skill needed to prepare a gift. Fortunately, I have already prepared a rigorous series of optional tests related to human intimacy and nocturnal habits you may choose to undertake as a compensatory measure."

Chell just smiled and hugged the computer's camera before giving her best sultry walk down the newly forming walkway.

Clearly it was going to be a long day of testing.


End file.
